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A Few Stupid Jokes:
Two antenna meet on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!
After a lengthy quarrel, one mate said to the other, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The other replied: "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
At the cocktail party, one person said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong person."
Humorous Quotes:
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
"Marriage is a lot like the army: everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats." - Woody Allen
"I told someone I was getting married, and they said, 'Have you picked a date yet?' I said, 'Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?" What a country!" - Yakov Smirnoff
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." - Ogden Nash
"I'm the only man who has a marriage license made out, 'To Whom It May Concern." - Mickey Rooney
"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" - Conan O'Brien
"In New Hampshire the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" - Jimmy Fallon
"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." - Craig Ferguson
"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" - Jay Leno
"The California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, but that's not all. The court also upheld Prop 9, which allows metrosexuals to continue using too much bronzer." - Jimmy Fallon
"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." - Jay Leno
"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." - Craig Ferguson
"Somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. ... But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they're allowed to be miserable." - Bill Maher
"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." - Jay Leno
"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." - Jay Leno
"The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. ... As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding." - Conan O'Brien
"The California Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on gay marriage. Man, you thought it was bad for single women before. All the good ones are either gay or married. Now they're gay and married. ... In fact, in West Hollywood, man, guys are so happy, they were overturning each other." - Jay Leno
"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." - Jay Leno
"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" - David Letterman
"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." - Jay Leno
"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy."
- Jay Leno
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." - Tina Fey
"Congratulations gay people; you are about to discover the joys of alimony." - Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage
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More Humorous Quotes:
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." - Jay Leno
"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." - Jon Stewart, on President Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage
"Legalized same-sex marriage has prompted a new slogan, 'We're here, we're queer and we're registered at Williams-Sonoma.'" - Craig Kilborn
"Governor Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage and then he went back to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys." - Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said today he's troubled by all the gay marriages... He said the only time two men should ever be in bed together is if one is a lobbyist and one is a politician." - Jay Leno
"If the last two days are any indication, the race for the White House will be pretty much decided by whether two middle-aged women can open a joint checking account." - Jon Stewart
"Although he supports a constitutional ban of gay marriage, President Bush says he supports a civil union. It has all the legal rights of a married couple but it's more like an arrangement than a real marriage. Hey, it worked for the Clintons." - Jay Leno
"President Bush says he's troubled by all the gay weddings that have been going on in San Francisco. Bush also says he's troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship on 'Sesame Street.'" - Conan O'Brien
"Conservative groups are demanding that President Bush support a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. They feel that when the founding fathers were putting the Constitution together they made a mistake by not outlawing it. Have you ever seen the paintings of the founding fathers? The powdered wigs, the frilly collars, the pedal pushers? I think they were for it." - Jay Leno
"Earlier today, President Bush said gay marriage is immoral and that heterosexual marriage must be defended, that's what he said. ... You can tell Bush is serious because he said the new Axis of Evil is Cher, Bette Middler and Clay Aiken." - Conan O'Brien
"Our governor here has weighed in on the San Francisco situation. He said he wants them to stop the gay marriages going on up there, but he said that he still supports same sex groping. ... Governor Schwarzenegger says this is not the proper venue to express gay sexuality, but try the locker room at Gold's Gym." - Bill Maher
"President Bush is out of control. Now he says he doesn't even want gays to plan weddings."
- Craig Kilborn
"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy." - Tina Fey
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